Won't you take me to Retown?

The zip code of said "Retown" is now 11211. That is why I haven't written in so long. I've been moving. From the glorious Lower East Side back to the old stomping grounds of Williamsburg. The new apartment is great. The big windows are great. I've inherited two kitties, who are also great. The fancy cable is great. And the neighborhood- while teeming with the too-cool-for-school- is also obviously full of cute boys in bands. Which is- duh!- great. What could be wrong? (Aside from the fact that our hot water hasn't been turned on yet so B. and I are unwashed and smelly) We are still in that blissful early stage of newness where every quirk of the apartment is charming and everything else is the bees knees. Now if I could just convince my East Village friends to brave the L train trip across the river.....

So back to business..... it has been so long since I've writen and so much has happened in the meantime that I don't know where to start. So, in keeping with my tradition of lists (which is clearly influenced by my favorite channel- VH1, the king of list shows), here is one of the ++++ most important realizations of the last week.

1) If you felt lukewarm about your high school prom then going to two ironic, faux proms in two weeks as an adult really redeems the whole experience.
2) If you've somehow managed to lose the senior prom pictures that include your date Eli wearing his grandfather's top hat and tails then posing for new ones with Beth and Jen- especially since you now don't have embarassingly Sun-In-ed hair and 70s style platform shoes- will definitely be suitable replacements.
3) If you are going to a party for your favorite band of the moment, thrown by your favorite magazine and the rum is free, drink rum. Even when proferred straight up by the bartender.
4) If, earlier in the year, you accosted a member of said favorite band and made a fool of yourself in front of him, be sure to do it again. Hope that when you mention that you met him before that he will say, in a verbatim imitation of your earlier verbal diarrhea, "March 21st, Irving Plaza!" When he asks you if you think that every song on their new album is good, be sure to say- with total drunk sincerity- "All Killer, No Filler." Especially if the band's name happens to be the KILLERs.
5) Be sure to dance and sing along like an asshole when the band plays, especially if you are standing near your old boss. Especially if you are dying to work for that boss again.
6) If you can't end a first date without hooking up- maybe first dates aren't for you.
7) First dates that take place in your apartment are a bad idea. Especially if your apartment is all packed up so there is nothing to do or watch or listen to in it. There are only so many activities you can do with a stranger in an empty room.
8) Putting the entire Nirvana catalog on your ipod is the best idea ever. Go do it right now. You have forgotten how exciting "About a Girl" is and how truly great and emotionally naked their version of "Jesus Doesn't Want Me" is.
9) I don't know how I lived without digital cable for so long. On Demand is the best invention ever.
10) Even thought I felt lukewarm about the first few episodes of Six Feet Under this season, the show has me hooked now if, for no other reason, than I want to be Claire Fisher- all red-haired, dry-witted and art-school-ish. Plus they really reeled me in with this last episode based solely on their use of Radiohead's "Lucky". Radiohead are so cinematic that it is hard to make their music work as background noise in film, but this really expanded on the visual narrative. It totally expressed the longing and regret of the scene without the characters having to speak. Plus that song fucking rocks.
11) The youth of this country suck. If you can't get off your ass to go and buy tickets to Lollapalooza with its amazing lineup- so the whole fucker gets cancelled- you deserve radio waves full of Hoobastank and should be sentanced to a lifetime of watching that infuriatingly dumb video for Britney Spears' "Everytime".
12) The Thermals are awesome. I can't stop listening to Fuckin A. It is snotty and lo-fi and urgent but also pop-y and smart. Plus, for a brash little Portland 3-piece, they are oddly touching. Whenever I'm walking down the street listening to them on my ipod, I get weirdly maudlin and choked up during "Remember Today" when Hutch sings "Anything you can see, you can probably feel. Anyone far away, you can probably charge at" (NOTE: Do not miss them at Siren Fest. Seriously. It'll be hot and that'll suck but remember when you missed the Yeah Yeah Yeahs cuz you were too lazy to trek to Coney Island or remember when you had to hear from a friend how great Hot Hot Heat were live cuz you wanted to stay in the nice air conditioned apartment?? Don't make that same mistake again.)
13) Days seem weirdly long when you have to get up at 7 am to meet the movers or wait for the cable guy. So, when you stay up until 2 it feels like you've been up forever. Cuz you have.
15) I am whatever the opposite of Handy is. If I were a smurf, I'd be UnHandy Smurf. (Or Smurfette- cuz I always loved her blond hair, her gratingly high voice and her white bubble shoes!) Already my shelves have fallen out of the wall here (Uh, they were put up YESTERDAY!) and B. has basically set up every piece of furnature and electronics in the apartment. I blame my jewishness. My dad wasn't handly like TV dads. When shit broke in our house we called a handyman or a plumbler or a contractor. Irv's tools were strictly for show. A man with tools who knows how to use them (get your minds out of the gutter folks!) is so exotic to me. Maybe my British musician husband will also be good with a wrench......

And teacher, there are things that I still have to learn

20 things I've learned in the days since I last posted:

1) Franz Ferdinand are amazing live- just like I suspected. Especially if you and Jen are double fisting the whole show. (A guy at the bar chastised us saying, "It's called moderation, girls!" Oh yeah, well it's called getting drunk and we're better at it than you!) Especially if Webster Hall is hot and you are dancing like maniacs and covered in sweat.
2) Jen is the best date to have if the guys behind you are trying to grab your ass. She'll put a stop to that nonsense pronto. (One guy even offered this lame apology, "If it helps, I'm gay." Thanks dude, apparantly you've always been my demographic. Just ask my old gay boyfriends. That's right boyfriends- plural.)
3) Sometimes if you double fist beers at a show and don't eat dinner you'll meet your friends at Lit afterward and have no recollection of what a drunk ass you are. And sometimes you will get pictures emailed to you the next day of your boobs.
4) If you happen to get that drunk on, say, a Thursday, sometimes it is hard to wake up for work the next day. Even if work is at noon. Even if you are up text messaging Jen about her grandma and your throbbing head at 6 in the morning. Sometimes you will have to go back to bed for the day with a sleep mask that you got for free on Virgin Airlines to block out the painful sunlight.
5) If number four should happen and you should find yourself on the train to Philly to see your parents the next day, it's best not to mention the previous nights debaucheries. Call if "food poisoning" if you must.
6) If you must attend a wedding of a high school friend that you are no longer friendly with, it is best to be as drunk as possible. If there are people at the wedding with drugs they are willing to share, even better.
7) Catholic wedding ceremonies are long.
8) If you are going to read bible scripture at your wedding, best not to choose passages about Eve being "of" Adam and women needing to find their missing partner. That is if you don't want to alienate every single woman in the audience. And all of the married feminists.
9) The people from high school who still live in their hometown and think they are better than you because they have fiancees and work for their parents are lame. You are totally cooler. Even though you are broke. And single. And are at risk of being fired for #4.
10) Mystic River, though full of great performances, is actually kind of misogynistic.
11) It is always best to take Amtrak with a friend. Even better if that friend is Melissa.
12) When trains are crowded and you have to share the four-seater with the stuffiest, most newly engaged yuppie couple ever, it is totally appropriate to spend the whole ride exchanging graphic sex stories. Even better if you are going to put down people that are married and engaged. Even better still if your travel partner has stories about stealing money from people, analingous, or fucking members of the same sex. Don't worry, when your bunk mates' eye rolling becomes full on glaring- it means they think you are charming.
13) I think the luckiest people at the Olsen twins graduation are the two kids sitting in the row in front of them. They made it into all of the pictures that papers and websites ran and they look so bored and dissatisfied with the whole graduation that their facial expressions seem to be saying, "Gee, I'm so glad those anerexic douchebags in front of me are billionaires cuz now I get to go work a minimum wage job for the rest of my life. You think if I snuck one of them a sandwich that they'd pay for my health insurance next year?"
14) If you are over the age of 18 it is not appropriate to walk around with hickeys on your neck. Especially not to work. Especially not during the summer when you can't even wear a turtleneck or a scarf to cover up.
15) When your boss asks you about your hickeys, it is probably best not to say, "What?" while blushing deeply. No one is fooled.
16) If you are going to go all Jew after a life of Catholicism and you want to pick a new name, don't go with Esther. There are lots of nice Jewish names but this is not one of them. The only other people with your name will be collecting social security checks.
17) If you are moving in, say, six days, don't bother packing yet. Why be organized and rational about something like moving your home. Wait until the last possible minute- that'll ensure smooth sailing.
18) If you do happen to clear an evening to stay in packing, it is a much better idea to go to your friend's apartment and eat "brownies." Better still if you plan to go to the Killers concert at the Merc. tomorrow night and the Spin/Killers party on Thursday. You wouldn't want to leave any pesky free time for packing or actually procuring boxes to pack in.
19) If you are 22 and have already had one marriage annulled, getting engaged to one of your backup dancers who is expecting a baby with a C-level sitcom actress is just the thing for you! Especially if you just broke your knee and cancelled your summer tour. Bring on the perscription drug addiction! In fact, you know what will win your fans back? Get married in rehab! Worked for Elizabeth Taylor.
20) It is very, very hard if you are broke and on unsteady employment footing to work for a music listings section because all you do is read and write about awesome shows that you can't afford to go to. Or even if you can afford them they are on days that you aren't free. (Like the free Cat Power show in the East River Park that is this weekend. I'm moving that day, but read my preview here:
http://www.villagevoice.com/choices/evening.php?eventID=52301&slcategory=music&sldate=2004-06-22 )

Jenny was a friend of mine....

So c'mon......check out her blog. It's new and improved and she's updating again. People (all two of you that read this) it's worth the trip to her site just to read her Misshapes Prom v. Real Life Prom analysis. I must say I agree with Jenny from the Block, since I got so stoned at my senior prom that when I had to go through the receiving line and introduce my date (thank you stuffy, East Coast all-girls school for standing on ceremony like that!) I fell at the feet of my drama teacher and landed face down at her feet with my hands around her ankles as my collegate date laughed like a maniac and tried to help me up. Hell, this prom may have been drunken but at least it wasn't embarassing. And I didn't get in trouble. And I didn't spend part of the evening carrying my bullimic, drunk and passed out friend out of the bathroom. Misshapes: 1, high school: 0.

Read about Jen here: iheartchip.blogspot.com
Don't fret guys, Chip is just her friend. This lady is single!

PS: Speaking of single, I'd like to retract that last post about my crush on a certain adorable, writerly blogger. I've since been to his site again and- though it is still sexy as hell- there are weird, sad women writing pick-up lines in his comment box and asking how they could get his attention in "like, a club." I refuse to be one of these groupies. Even though he seems like a smart kid. And can talk economics. And has amazing musical taste. Nope. I refuse to throw my hat in the ring with desperate sounding girls who are clawing at his dick with "sexy" emails. Plus, he mentioned he dated an underwear model. So, I'm guessing I'm not his type.

So give me coffee and TV

Ah late night TV, you have been very good to me this week! Last night on a VERY late Jimmy Kimmel (thanks NBA playoffs for making me stay up WAY past my bedtime to catch the Killers on TV!) Brandon and co. really rocked "Somebody Told Me" - even Jay Mohr (the evening's other guest) sang a little to introduce them! And tonight, as I was flipping from VH1 Goes Inside Hollywood Music Moments (I'm a total fucking sucker for any show that is gonna show me clips of Cameron Crowe movies and talk with music supervisors!) to catch the tail end of Conan, who was on Craig Kilborn?? STELLASTARR! Yummy.

Both bands sounded kinda funny on TV- not quite themselves. Michael Jurin was singing some kind of off-key back up vocals on "My Coco" and Brandon "The Father of Retown's Children" Flowers mostly talked the lyrics to "Somebody Told Me" while making kinda crazed, yet disinterested Ian Curtis-like faces at the camera. It was weird and TV takes away the exuberance of an actual live show. Like, on tv mistakes look like mistakes- they seem glaring and sloppy and I always feel a little bit embarassed. (That is why I can't watch a lot of reality tv- but that is a whole other story!) But at a concert, you want things to be sloppy and messy and imperfect- that's what makes it rock and roll. So, while the Killers and Stellastarr didn't seem Hollywood-perfect on their obligatory talk show appearances- they totally rock out with their cocks out at, say, the Bowery Ballroom. I must admit that I giggled all the way through the Killers Kimmel appearance. I just couldn't believe that was them on TV. Like it was Jen or Shaya or someone that I knew! Everytime the camera panned to Ronnie, I kept flashing back to accosting him downstairs at Bowery and telling him about his own tour schedule! Yeah, I hope they get big. It'd be fun to see that happen for them.

Everytime I think of you..

When I started this blog I was firm with what I wanted to write about: tv shows, bands I liked, concerts I saw, you know, general pop culture minutae. (Like every other blogger on the Internet!) I wholeheartedly agreed with Melissa that there should be no "sex in the champagne room", so to speak. I've got a paper journal that I'm too lazy to write in, but should I need to divulge details of my sex life or boy drama, that is where I'd like to do it. I've never once written here about a date I went on or a boy I liked or some sex I've had. And, don't worry, I don't really intend to start now. But I really admire bloggers that do put themselves out there like that- admitting embarassing escapades they've had or naming people that they lust after. I'm, frankly, too much of a pussy for that.

I've always felt like if you are one of the small minority that reads this then you've probably heard about my escapades or the boys that I like, so why bore you with further details? But recently I've had kind of a change of heart. See, I've been reading a blog that has riveted me with its tales of debauchery and confusion and drunkenness and, besides inspiring me with its excellent prose to be a better writer when it comes to my online ramblings, I think I've developed an actual, giddy, little crush on the guy that writes it. Now, I don't know this guy personally and the only things I do really know about him (from his blog) are kind of romantically troubled or angsty (he seems to be in unrequited love with a girl who has a boyfriend, he seems to be always drunk, he sleeps around- or talks about sleeping around a lot- and went down on a stranger he met on his site!) but he is so honest about his actions and his desires and the loneliness he feels (and they are, frankly, actions and feelings I'm pretty guilty of myself-well, aside from the oral sex with a reader) that he comes off as charming and sincere and incredibly sexy.

Now, I've done the online dating thing so I'm well aware that people aren't always what they seem when you are reading about them on a computer screen. Let's see my online dating tally is: 1 guy from a band I dig who was super cool and got me drunk then never called me again; 1 super cute guy who didn't have a job or go to school and had no interests and sat on my couch, high, not talking for 6 hours until I had to make up plans to get him out of my apartment; 1 guy who I've hooked up with twice; and three guys who are still emailing me to get together (despite my swearing off of internet dating). I'm glad I did it but I don't think it is for me. But it is kind of weird that in the same week that I decided that I'm no longer looking for dates online that I've become kind of enraptured of this faceless Internet guy with a blog. I see his comments are tons of chics begging for dates and telling him that he is cute- so I'm not alone in my enjoyment of his writing- but I do not post on blogs, especially not blogs of strangers, especially not to ask for a date or swoon. It's just kind of fun- when there is no promising guy in your life and everyone is all coupled up for the summer, holding hands and kissing on street corners- to imagine that there is some dirty-haired, dirty-minded boy who is drunkenly pining for love (or just a little sex, that'd be ok too!) on his blog who would be perfect for you. I'm not actually so far gone when it comes to understanding men that I don't know that this is a silly little fantasy, but I've not met anyone interesting enough lately to make me give it up.

PS: I was just reading over this post and I realize that it reads a little stalker-y. Um, that was SO not the intent. It's not a real crush that I have on this elusive blogger. It is a "this guy is cute and I like his writing so crushing on him from afar is way easier than actually going out and meeting real guys" kind of thing. It's also a little bit of a "my job is really boring and I need something to read while I sit idly at a computer all day" kind of thing. And a little bit of a "I want to get him drunk and end up as one of his debauched stories on his blog" kind of thing. But mostly it's the other two.

What I Say

Sorry for the protracted absence, folks. I've been very busy making sure that I'm not going to be homeless come June 30th. The good news is that it appears that I won't be. Despite my well-stated hatred for Williamsburg, I've signed a lease on a little two bedroom (to be shared with Beth and her cats) in fashion-y old billyburg. But here's the thing, the apartment is gorgeous, we overlook the park (where there is a pool- that is a big selling point to a heat-phobe like myself, what with summer coming up and all!), we have our own washer/dryer in the apartment and we're real close to Northsix (so at least I can take advantage of my hipster-y new nabe). Whatever. Long story short: I'm gonna be a Kings County resident again. Ah, Lower East Side, I hardly knew ya! (I'll tell you what I won't miss about my current apartment- the jack-ass bridge and tunnelers puking on my doorstep on Saturday night! Yeah, I know that is kinda the pot calling the kettle black- what with me moving to a neighborhood OVER a bridge, but someone actually did puke right on my doorstep so I couldn't get out the door! That's just gross. Honey, if you can't hold your liqour, please stay in Jersey and puke on your own stoop in Hoboken!)

I really wanted to blog the other day about the death of Ray Charles because I thought it was so sad. I actually cried at work when Beth sent me an email telling me of his passing. Now, I know the country has been "in mourning" for like a week already for our old president but this was so much sadder to me. I've already wasted a lot of space here ranting about Reagan so I won't bore you with my opinions (that have been much better stated by real journalists by now), but I did want to pay tribute to ol' Ray. I mean all I could think about was the amazing music that he left us with and the hardships that he faced during his lifetime. I mean, we are talking about one of the inventors of R&B (and rock n'roll) as we know it and he was a blind man in a seeing world who had to tour the South playing theaters he couldn't sit in himself as a black man. I found myself sappily crying the other day reading the new Rolling Stone's "Most Important Moments in Rock History" when they talked about the Motown tour. I mean, people actually got out of the pool when the Supremes got in in Florida. I'm not so naive to NOT have known about that kind of institutional prejudice but it really breaks my heart. And it was all I could think about when I heard that Ray died.

Also, I've gotta say that after all of my anticipation and excitement that MTV Movie Awards really bit the big one. I'm still having nightmares about the midget they hired to live the podum and hand out awards for the first half of the show. I'm kinda surprised that no little people media watchdog groups complained about it, frankly! The YYYs were great, as always and their performance added such much needed whimsy and theatricality to an otherwise ho hum show. Lindsay Lohan- and I'm come out in support of her before here on the blog- was a terrible host. Unfunny, uncoordinated and unable to read a telepromter! Bring back Jimmy Fallon or Chris Rock or someone remotely funny. If we were just hiring the biggest boobs to host the show, I'd throw my hat into the ring. Or they could at least get Pam Anderson! C'mon a host should be able to make off the cuff jokes and banter. I vote they get Will Ferrel next year cuz at least his bits this year were funny. Speaking of his bits.... did anyone else think that Jim Caveziel looked like JC Chasez's gayer younger brother?! Those highlights! That ENORMOUS gold cross choker! His mandals! At least he didn't win an award! I could complain about this show forever. But let me just say this: Does everybody else think it is sad too when people accept their MTV award and are actually, like, touched? This isn't the Oscars, folks! You don't need to thank your agent and hair and makeup. Just give a big up to someone and get the hell offstage. I guess people like Carmen Elektra need to take kudos where they can get them. I mean, c'mon, she's not gonna be winning the New York Critics Circle Award anytime soon....

I also wanted to give my two loyal readers a heads up that a)the Killers album came out today, b)they are playing on Jimmy Kimmel's excuse for a talk show tonight and c)they are playing the WB Pepsi smash this weekend but today has come and gone so this isn't so much a reminder to tune in to Jimmy and run out to Tower to be an opening day buyer as it is a nananabooboo that I did both. (Well, it's still an hour until Kimmel comes on but I think I can break my embargo on his shitty show to see the Killers play- especially since I'm really fucked up now.... Well, I guess anything'll be good now!) I'm really trying to pitch the album to my editors because it is so rare that an album's release is an event to me now and I feel like I should channel some of that excitement to my writing while I have the chance.

While I'm gloating I just wanted to make note here that this week's EW Must List listed the Vh1, I Love the 90s promo as their #4. I told you guys, it's hilarious. The costumes, the casting of Joe E. Tata, the Peach Pit set, the use of the bumblebee girl.....GENIUS. Yes, it's too soon, but that doesn't mean that I won't be glued to my tv the week of July 12!

PS: If anyone is thinking of a housewarming gift, Beth and I want the Simpsons Season 4 DVD for our non-existant new DVD player!

Is it really so strange?

It was a big, news-y weekend now, wasn't it? And I must sadly admit that, as per usual, my weekend was not spent hunkered down with the New York Times Magazine or watching CNN but instead it was full of drinking too much and sleeping too little- just how I like it.

I totally meant to make it to Misshapes on Saturday night but after a Friday where Jen and I basically closed out the Delancey (which, I must admit I really kinda liked- what with the Jason Consoli DJ set, the hour of free Budweisers, the men who bought us shots of Jameson for liking how we danced, and the bar's weirdly cool proximity to the Williamsburg bridge, which enabled us to get a cab PRONTO!) dancing on a platform, drunkenly shaking our collective asses, I was too hungover and tired (as were all of my partners in crime!) to go. So, next week it is! And, according to their website (www.misshapes.com)next week is prom, people! Be there or be square! Don't get too trashed on Friday cuz you won't want to miss this one! (That was really more an admonishment to myself than to any of you!)

Also- and don't say I didn't warn you- the Killers are playing at the Mercury Lounge on the 23rd! That is like a week after their record drops. And if you wait too long to get tickets you will be shit out of luck folks. I'm telling you (yes, again...) that this band already gets the kind of radio play that other bands would kill for- and their album isn't even out yet! And while we are on the subject of the ol' Merc, they are having quite a month in June. Melissa Auf def Mer is playing with The Twenty Twos on the 16th and on the 18th Adam Green (of the Moldy Peaches, who's album is still on heavy rotation on my ipod even though it is over two years old!)will be playing "Jessica Simpson" and other anti-folk tracks off of his solo debut there. Plus, if you don't work on Saturday nights (like I do- hey, a girl's gotta earn a living! If I leave my corner empty some other bitch will steal my johns!) you should really check out The Bravery on the 19th. I didn't take Joe's advice and catch them while they had a month-long residency at Arlene's Grocery and now (just as he predicted) the LES rock goons are all a-twitter about them. So, learn from my mistakes and don't miss 'em!

Anyway, as I was saying, it was a big weekend for news. Reagan died and J.Lo got remarried. Sadly, I can't decide which story I care less about. I mean, as soon as a president dies they really turn on the old myth machine and start cannonizing the sonnofabitch. I mean look what they did to Nixon after he died and that guy had to resign! I'm not saying that Reagan was an evil man nor am I so cold-hearted to feel joy over the passing of anyone (hey, I don't even believe in the death penalty!), especially not someone with a terrible disease like Alzheimers. But c'mon people- he wasn't a saint! He started illegal, secret wars in Central America and in the Carribean. Our current problems in Iraq are a direct descendant of Reagan's policies in Iraq and Iran. Doesn't anyone else remember the Contras?! His trickle down economics policies were not only misguided and greedy but have lasting effects that we are still feeling today. Hell, a huge chunk of the homeless population of New York City can thank Reagan for opening the doors of the nation's mental institutions. But what is most damning in my opinion is the way that he dealt- or should I say didn't deal- with the burgeoning AIDS crisis in the 80's. He let people die, kept the public from being educated about this new disease and didn't even say the word "AIDS" in public until 1987! How anyone could read "And the Band Played On" detail his sickening negligence of a health crisis (due to rampant homophobia and conservative fiscal policies) and want to paint him as an old saint is beyond me! Reagan kept his Surgeon General (Koop) quiet on the subject and his administration undercut federal efforts to confront AIDS by refusing to spend the money Congress allocated for AIDS research. He has a lot of blood on his hands. Just think about that when you are weeping over his old, frail visage on CNN. He had the power to really do something in a time of a health crisis and he stood idly by and let people die cuz they were "fags".

But by the same token, he was our president for two terms so I guess he deserves the same revisionist respect we give all our old leaders. (I wonder if it goes for Democrats too or just Republicans, cuz I suspect that Bill Clinton's tombstone is going to read "Here lies the reciever of the blowjob heard 'round the world.")

As for J.Lo (or J.Ant, as I suppose she is now to be called), I can't believe that crazy bitch got married again?! I can't believe I care! I can't believe anyone still cares enough about Ricky Martin to let him perform at their ceremony! Seriously though, there is something wrong with three marriages (and four engagements!) before you are 35! She's like the Liz Taylor of our generation. I think Hollywood marriages should have a three strikes and you're out rule. You can get married three times, but I don't wanna read about a fourth. I can only maintain an artificle of caring about this bullshit for so long! So, if this marriage doesn't work out for Jen (and I have sneaking suspicions that it won't- as do Brit bookies who are giving it 3-1 odds that it'll end in divorce!) then she is off the market for good. Sorry, you crapped out, Lopez! Don't take it personally, J.Ho, I'd say the same thing to Drew Barrymore and I really like her! I've always kinda dug Drew with her groovy fashion sense, her Letterman strip-tease and her rocker boyfriends, but if her next marriage (probably to Fab) doesn't work out, she should cash in her chips and leave the table. I don't have the stamina to care about a fourth! Plus, it is just unfair to keep hogging up the supply of eligible, cute, straight dudes in Hollywood. I imagine that there aren't that many and if they are all married to the same three women..... (Note: On second thought I don't think Marc Anthony is either cute- he's a troll- straight, or particularly eligible. C'mon people, you agree with me- would you marry someone weeks after the ink on their divorce papers dried? Give it some time....be engaged for a year or so.....I dunno, actually have given this enough thought so that your old wedding pictures were removed from your website! (Shame on you, Marc!)

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.....

What a way to start off such a beautiful weekend, people! I’ve just heard some amazing news: 1) Creed has broken up! 2) Snoop Dogg is ordering people to retire “izzle” speak 3) The Post is reporting that the rumor du jour is that Lindsay Lohan is actually 22 and 4) Tabloids everywhere are running photos of Britney Spears and her man in Gay Paris and she looks terrible!!

First things first, though folks. We are finally free of Creed! Now, I realize that by mentioning them here I’m giving them more weight than they ever deserved, but C’MON- the only thing worse than a shitty, knock-off STP with a fake Eddie Vedder lead singer is a shitty, knock-off STP with a fake Eddie Vedder singer who loves the Lord and has a messiah complex! If I wanted my rock to be of the black leather-wearing, Jesus-loving variety, I’d just buy the crappy Evanescence record! (At least that chic can sing!) As if things could not get better on the Creed front (what could be better than the prospect of never having to see another open shirted, Jim Morrison-aping Stapp video about how “wide open” his arms are to God?), there is an unintentionally hilarious article about it on mtv.com. Scott Phillips, the drummer, end the piece by saying, “Even if you loved us or hated us, just remember us.” I literally laughed out loud here at work. Oh, I’ll keep a special place in my heart for the hatred of your band, Scott, don’t you worry. You’ll be nestled in there along with Color Me Badd, Candlebox, and the Eagles. PS: Since this blog was so adamant in writing about hating Mel Gibson and refusing to see the Passion of the Christ, I thought that now would be a good time to mention that the God-fearing Mr. Stapp (who has been known to perform “high off his ass” and who was charged with reckless endangerment after a car accident in 2002- I guess Jesus is down with drunks and dangerous drivers, just not tolerance or free speech!) is contributing a track to the album of the Passion that will be released on August 31st. The album will feature songs “inspired by the film” so hopefully they will have titles like, “The Jews Did It,” “You Don’t Know Suffering,” and “Holocaust, Shmolocaust, I Said More Ham.”

In other, slightly-less-pressing news, Snoop told an MTV reporter that “izzle” is over, which means that lame white people will still be saying it for like another year or so. But it is good to know that Snoop is at least calling it over. I mean, when they hear douchebags like Jay Leno making fo-shizzle jokes, you know the brothers have got to be cringing! There is nothing lamer than middle aged white dudes trying to be down with black slang. I remember the first time I, non-ironically, said ‘dis. I don’t think I ever recovered from sounding so not cool. On the other hand, I would like to make a Snoop-like plea that we retire the phrase “Whatever happens in _______, stays in _______!” It’s tired, people!

As for Lindsay Lohan being 22…. I don’t want any of my loyal reader (yeah, that’s not a typo- I know there is only one of you!) to think I’m “dissing” Lindsay by bringing this up. In the Lindsay/Hillary feud, I’d take Lohan with her overuse of spray-on tan (especially for a redhead), big, possibly-fake boobs and charming ability to make fun of herself over Duff and her overly perky, Disney-fied, milk-fed looks and hurt feelings over Lohan’s SNL skits about her. (Note to Duff, it’s called a sense of humor, you should get one. They are nice!) I mean both of them have DREADFUL voices and their singing careers should be halted immediately, but as far as being a teen personality goes…. Lohan is much more appealing. That said, it would be great if she were 22. At least that would explain those boobs. And make a LOT of guys a lot less pedophilic!

As for Britney, I feel like this is a good lesson in your insides matching your outsides. You steal another woman’s man (a woman who is going to have that man’s baby, nonetheless!) and you are destined to look like Charlize Theron in Monster! You’ll get orange hair, bad zits and a boyfriend who looks like David Silver back when he was trying to have a rap career. (You remember those days, doncha? Steve was his manager and DS wore oversized silky shirts and rapped behind an enormous keyboard!) C’mon Brit, I know that white trash men probably remind you of home, but stay away from dudes with AJ-from-the-Backstreet-Boys, overtrimmed facial hair.

PS: Is it totally lame that I’m excited for the MTV Movie Awards? I wanna see if the Yeah Yeah Yeahs can translate their awesome art-punk energy on TV. I wanna see if Lindsay Lohan will make more fun of Hillary Duff. I wanna see Kate Hudson present to see if the tabloids are right and she hasn’t lost her baby weight. Mostly, I just wanna see who wins Best Male Performance (Sandler is outclassed, Bill Murray should win but it’s MTV so it’ll probably go to Johnny Depp. As long as Jim “my initials are also J.C.” Caveziel, I’ll be a happy camper.”