***SOUNDS LIKE JULIAN COULD USE A GOOD STROKE***

I just finished reading something by some California rock writer claiming that “Meet Me In The Bathroom” by the Strokes is one of the saddest songs of the year. I, myself, had never thought of it as sad. It always seemed sexy and withdrawn- like it was being played with studied indifference through rings of cigarette smoke. But then again, what do I know? I can never understand those Strokes lyrics- Julian sings them like he’s screaming into my apartment’s intercom. I’m always slightly tempted to tell him that he’s buzzed the wrong apartment, but I let him in anyway because he sounds cute and drunk and that’s how I like them. But I digress….

In a quest to see if this rock writer got it right- I mean, he was from California and his brain may just have been exposed to too much sunshine. (No worry of that here in NYC!) Maybe the brand of New York insouciance practiced by Julian and Co. doesn’t translate to the land of sunny skies and dispositions- I looked up the lyrics on the Internet. And now I’m going to do something I don’t do very often- admit I was wrong. “Meet Me In The Bathroom” could very well be the saddest song I heard this year- outside of “Maps” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It’s about loneliness and detachment and one-night stands. It’s a break up song for people too scared and scarred to actually have a relationship. I’m printing the lyrics below as a means of explaining why I am sitting at a desk in a well-lit office- crying. (Ok, maybe that means I didn’t get enough sleep or I’m still recovering from the weekend’s birthday hangover- but still.)

"Meet Me In The Bathroom"
When they say promises
They mean promises.
They'd say, "that's ok,
Long as we can celebrate"
You see, my uncle would say
things would change when he's dead...

"Meet me in the bathroom"
That's what she said
I don't mind...it's true.

Never was on time
Yes, I once was mine
Well, that was long ago
And darling, I don't mind.
Yeah, we were just two friends in lust
And baby, that just don't mean much
You trained me not to love
After you showed me what it was

Now she's staring wide-eyed
Can't close her eyes
Anywhere is fine
just don't waste my time
You see, my uncle would say
things would change once he's dead...

"Meet me in the bathroom"
That's what she said
I don't mind...it's true.

Never was on time
Yes, I once was mine
Well, that was long ago
And darling, I don't mind.
Yeah, they were just two fucks in lust
Baby, that just don't mean much
You trained me not to love
After you taught me what it was

***Globes 2004***

Is it just me or was EVERYONE'S favorite part of a pretty ho-hum Golden Globes ceremony when Nicole "I keep getting nominated even though I'm frigid and detached onscreen" Kidman had to read the list of Best Actors in a Drama and she'd slept with three of them! (well, at least according to my bibles like US Weekly!) There was a moment where you could tell that she was praying that Jude and Tom and Russel wouldn't win. And you could see a palpable look of relief on her face when Sean Penn won. It was like, "Oh goody, I've never seen his wang!" Plus he wasn't even there to accept the award.

In the hopes of seeing more scenes like this, I propose that we make Winona Ryder present at the Grammys. Maybe one day there'll be a catagory in which Ryan Adams and Beck and Conor Oberst and Dave Pirner (well the first three at least still have careers!) face off against each other. And, after a moment of visible tension, she can read with glee and relief that Bruce Springsteen won. But then she'd probably bone the Boss at the afterparty or something.

*Right Here, Right Now*
I wish the world of magazine publishing could be more Zen. They never live in the moment. It’s like you finally finish the stack of year-end issues (with all of their Top-insert-number-here lists documenting the best of the past year) when your mailbox is stuffed with the “Upcoming Amazing Things for The Upcoming Year” issues. And while I’m grateful to tomes like EW for keeping me abreast of when the new season of Six Feet Under will start (June) and when Paris Hilton’s album will be released (I’ve blocked it out, I was too traumatized- she sings!), I never had a minute to deal with what’s going on right now. (This is probably done on purpose, judging by the bleak famine of interesting January releases in all media- Ooh, better not miss Chasing Liberty! Try not to overexcite yourself with the new release from Five For Fighting!)

I refuse to be like these magazines- dissecting the past one-day and then anticipating the future the next. Now, I’ve already dissected the past- announcing my favorite albums of 2003 and pouring over the songs that made my year. But, rather than counting the days until Courtney Love’s February 10th release (anyone taking bets on whether or not this one’ll actually come out?) or getting all hot and bothered that I have to wait until March for Franz Ferdinand’s eponymous debut album to be released, I thought I’d be Zen and revel in the now. Here is a list of the CDs (most of them released last year but some are older than I am) that I would buy if I could go on a shopping spree this afternoon. They are things that I never bought, for one reason or another, but things that I’m dying to own. Think of it as my own little Amazon wish list. Except without the selfish hope that someone is going to buy them for me!

Phil Spector- Back to Mono (before he was an alleged killer, he put out this boxed set of his killer girl-group tracks. I MUST OWN IT!)
The Jam at the BBC (I know, it’s currently not available in the States but that doesn’t keep me from jonesing for it!)
The Smiths- The Complete Picture (this is a collection of Smiths videos. Why don’t I already own this?!)
The Realistics- Go Ahead EP (It’s like the Jam for the aughts!)
Blur- Modern Life is Rubbish (I lost this in the Robbery of 2000 and I’ve really been missing it recently.)
Neil Young- On the Beach (It’s finally available on CD!)
The Zombies- Live On the BBC (They cover “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”!!)
Liz Phair- Liz Phair (I know all of her old fans hate this sparkly album- especially cuz Avril’s BFFs, the Matrix, helped with the songwriting. But what can I say? That “Why Can’t I?” song gets stuck in my head for days and I find myself singing along with the commercial for “Win a Date With Tad Hamilton.”)
The Strokes- Room on Fire (To know it, is to love it. I’ve just been too broke to actually buy it!)
Lou Reed- Transformer (Another CD I lost in the robbery. I’ve been itching to listen to Vicious recently.)
Fiery Furnaces- Gallowsbird’s Bark (Nobody understands the boredom of temping better."Slit my wrists with my Swingline/Copied myself 500 times" sings Elenor on “I’m Gonna Run.”)
The Darkness- Permission to Land (There is no excuse for me to still not own this. I only made “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” the theme song of my European sojurn. Beth and I did above the head hand claps to it while on the plane!)
New Pornographers- Electric Version (They’re not just good- they’re also Canadian!)
The remastered double CD versions of Elvis Costello’s Armed Forces and This Year’s Model. (I think I’d like to be his fourth wife.)
The Fall- 458489-A-Sides (I love Mark E. Smith! He’s just so damn prolific it’s hard to pick an album to buy, so I’ll cop out and go for the Greatest Hits package!)

While I’m making a wish list, I might as well add some concert tickets too.
February 19- Franz Ferdinand at Bowey Ballroom
March 13- British Sea Power at Bowery Ballroom
(And since we are talking fantasty here….)
May 1 and 2- Coachella Festival (Featuring the reunited Pixies, plus Radiohead and Kraftwerk)

In my unemployment I have had plently of time to catch up with my reality TV. Let me be clear: I don't go in for the Bachelor(ette) and the I'm-lying-to-you romance shows like Average Joe/Joe Millionaire/My Big Fat Obnoxious Finance. I'm more a fan of MTV-style reality (like the Real World and the RW/RR challenges) or shows where celebrities look like idiots (I admit it, I love Celebrity Mole!). But I must admit, now having watched the new season of the Real World that it might be time to wrap up this series. I mean, did you see these roommates? There is all of this sexual tension and STILL I don't give a rat's ass! There is the dumb, cheating frat boy, the geekiest black guy in the world, the alterna-chick, the spiritual/sensitive dude, the Southern beauty queen-slash-racist who has already admitted that she "tells black jokes and uses the N-word!", and some girl with big boobs. Frankly I don't know who to hate more! The alterna-chick is AFRAID OF BOATS. Uh honey, you're moving to San Diego! Maybe you'd better stay landlocked. The frat boy has a perma-slack jaw which is annoying to look at. The little Southern racist runs around giving everyone in the house updates: "They are totally showering together!", "He totally likes her." It's gross. This is isn't Monday Night Football. We don't need commentary. And Breasty McChest is always wearing disturbingly small t-shirts with writing on them so all you can pay attention to is her boobies. MTV where did you find these people? They aren't charismatic and, frankly, they aren't even that attractive. They are making for terrible TV!

What ever happened to Julie, the innocent Southern dancer? Or Tammy, the bitchy drama queen? Hell, I think I'd even take the car-crash idiocy of Trash-elle over these uninteresting turds.

The Real World was an early pervayor of the reality genre and so maybe (please please please!) this season's death knell spells doom for the rest of the genre. God, will networks actually have to start hiring writers and actors and actually produce- GASP- television shows! One can only hope.

I'M BA-ACK!!

I appologize to all two of the people who read this site for being absent for so long. I was off on my European vacation. I promise (again, for all two of you who care) to post some of the photos of my trip. These will include me doing the YMCA in front of a room of well-lit, shirtless gay men while dancing on fake New Year's Eve (I missed the actual New Year's Eve because I was sitting on the tarmac at Newark International Airport, so I celebrated in London on January 4th. I even got a fake countdown!); me standing in front of an Adam Curry poster in Amsterdam (apparantly he is a big radio star there and he even speaks Dutch!); Beth standing in front of the aptly named Amsterdam club, Cockring (c'mon, that's funny!); and some amazing shots of our Parisian hotel room (like Beth sitting inside our makeshift closet and me posing with our room's candlebox- SERIOUSLY!). Oh and I'm sure we managed to take some shots of landmarks and tourist attractions and all that crap.

In other news, I'm looking forward to 2004. I mean, I don't have a job so I spend my day scouring the internet and watching soap operas and I spend my evenings being drunk and debauched. But I'm optimistic and hope to have a job by springtime. On a lighter note, Saturday is my 26th birthday. On the 29th I get to go see one of my favorite new bands- The Killers- thanks to a wonderful birthday present from Shaya. In February I get to spend a week in California (Though I'm generally anti the left coast, I can't deny that I'm stoked to see some sunshine. And I'll get to spend some time with my sister and Dava- my best friend from high school who is a stand-stand up comic in La La Land.). So, 2004 is shaping up ok.