Grandma got runover by a reindeer

There is so much I want to say that I can’t keep it straight for long enough in my head to actually type the words out. It's days like today that I wish that I paid attention when my techno-geek cousin was talking about computer programs that can turn your voice into words on the screen over Thanksgiving. Cuz Lord knows, I can talk! Ok, well one of the best lessons I learned in my overpriced education was organization, so I present to you, my readers, another list. What I’m thinking about these days:

1) The human body is scarily fragile. (Need proof? Check out my roommate’s disturbing pics of her broken foot—before and after the cast—here (https://shaya_in_new_york.blogspot.com) Its weird how easily we can fuck up this perfectly functioning nature-made machine that we inhabit. It’s like, a doctor finds a lump in your ovaries and then removes all of your lady parts—“just in case.” Or you trip at a drunk, crowded party and you’re hobbled, barely able to get home up five flights of stairs on crutches. Or you mysteriously develop a canker sore for the first time since you were 12 that literally eats away at the bottom of your gums that hurts so bad that you can’t chew or speak without wincing. (And, even weirder than that, then you wake up one morning and your mouth, which hurt like you imagine childbirth hurting, is miraculously healed and there isn’t even a scar!) We do all of these things: smoking, drinking, eating fried food, ingesting other, bad-for-you substances, thinking that all of the harm that those things can do to do won’t happen to you. You walk a dangerous line between being cautious and not caring. And then one day you trip on some stairs and you can never wear high heels again. The whole thing seems terrifyingly futile.

2) Relationships are fucked up. I am seconding Shaya’s “give up” proposal. I was walking behind this girl today when I left work to get lunch and she was talking on the phone saying, “And then he says to me,’Can I be perfectly honest with you, I don’t want a girlfriend right now.’ And I’m devastated, but what am I gonna do? I mean we’ve been sleeping together all semester, every time something happens, good or bad, we call each other, and we spend all our time together. If that isn’t a girlfriend, I don’t know what is? Cuz he still wants to sleep with me.” And I recently had brunch with another friend whose ex had crawled out of the woodwork to apologize for how HORRIBLY he treated her five years ago, which would be great except that it took her five years to get over him and now he’s back in her thoughts because he wants to be “friends.” I feel your pain, girlfriends! I don’t want to be one of those man-haters (because I much prefer to be a sex-positive feminist) and I know from all of the wonderful men in my life that women can be equally horrible to men, but I am constantly finding myself flabbergasted with what men think its ok to do to women. If you, dear reader, happen to be one of those gross couples who actually like each other (like Chris Rock says) you are either a) living a lie (sorry, you or your significant other is cheating, thinking about cheating, has cheated in the past, or is just basically sticking around because you or he/she are too afraid to be alone) or b) you’re disgusting and I don’t want anything to do with you. Sorry to be the grinch on this one, folks.

3) In good news, I got a job. Yes, as of January, I’ll be one of the employed majority with health insurance and everything. Unfortunately I’m so neurotic that I basically skipped over being excited and went right to being terrified about it. I am sad to give up the freelancing lifestyle (ah! Sleeping til 1pm!), but I’m glad to be working in the field I want to, making a regular paycheck, and I am looking forward to being able to go to the doctor. You know, they keep telling me avian bird flu is coming. Plus, see item #1.

4) I’ve spent all week hemming and hawing over my top 10 list (which I’ve had to turn in to various employers in different forms). I still can’t really narrow it to ten since I think a lot of great music came out this year. Also, it is hard to really stand behind calling my list a “Best Of” list since a) I certainly didn’t hear every album that came out this year, b) I have very strong genre preferences and therefore would never put a jazz or r&b song on this list because I don’t give a shit about those genres, and c) it’s not so much that I think that these albums are the best made or best sung or Most Important—they’re just MY personal favorites. Really my formula is, a) did this album come out this year? b) did I like it? c) am I still listening to it months on or did it have a burst of overplayed love from me and now I can’t stand the sound of it? (such as the M.I.A. album. ) So here, in no particular order, are my favorites. Feel free to leave me comments about how wrong I am. (Oh yeah, and all of you Sufjan fans—I know, I know. His melodies and voice are awesome. But there is too much God-lovin’ for my taste.) 1)I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning: Bright Eyes (It’s still on heavy rotation on my iPod after a year!) 2) Separation Sunday: The Hold Steady (First I hated this album, then it kinda grew on me, and now I’m obsessed.) 3) Clap Your Hands Say Say: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (Yeah there was a lot of hype, but I can’t remember the last time a self-released debut was SO good) 4) Silent Alarm: Bloc Party (How quickly you forget that this album came out this year. People were peeing themselves about it in March and then they forgot. Well, it’s still better than 99% of what came out in ’05.) 5) Apologies to the Queen Mary: Wolf Parade (Yeah Canada! This album doesn’t get old—see my hyperbolic review of it from a September post.) 6) The Woods: Sleater-Kinney (The ladies meet Led Zeppelin! Plus—and I’m sorry Carrie—“Modern Girl” is a really good song) 7) Late Registration: Kanye West (Aside from the fact that I want to have like 10,000 of his babies AND the fact that he gave the best soundbyte of the year with, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” this was Kanye’s fucking year! Anyone who doesn’t like “Hey Mama” or “Gold Digger” doesn’t have a soul) 8) Get Behind Me Satan: The White Stripes (This album is totally underrated. Meg and Jack sound great, not only when they rock out, but in intimate little ballads like “I’m Lonely (But I Ain’t That Lonely Yet) 9) Laughter’s Fifth: Love as Laughter (I’m just putting this out there—Sam Jayne will you marry me?) 10) Tanglewood Numbers: Silver Jews (Berman returns from addiction and suicide with a shiny—by his standards—country/pop/new wave album. Dying on the inside never sounded so good) Now here’s where things get tricky: Honerable Mentions: Ta Det Lungnt: Dungen (I fucking love this album, it must be like hearing the Who for the first time for those of us that weren’t alive in the Keith Moon days. The album was released in the US this year, but since I actually heard the import first LAST year, it got bumped to make room for Sam Jayne.) and Awesomer: Blood on the Wall (I still listen to this album all the time—it’s great. And I only had room for one young New York band on the list and, again, that spot went to Sam. But now that I’m thinking about it, I might listen to this album more……) And so the hemming and hawing continues.

5) After my last post where I titled the list “Things that Make You Go Hmmmm,” I weirdly heard the song the other day while watching Ellen. (God, I’m gonna miss being a freelancer!) Her DJ played it as the dance song that day. I honestly hadn’t heard C & C Music Factory in easily 10 years and, I have to admit, aside from being startled by how truly bad a song it was, I was mesmerized by the lyrics. Weirdly, I could totally “rap” along—I have a weird aptitude for remembering long-forgotten song lyrics—but my conscious mind really didn’t remember the lyrics being so ridiculous/sexist/racy/stupid. For example what kind of “crib” do you have that has a fireplace and a bearskin rug? Are you the Brawny paper towel guy? Also, what kind of hardcore dude or sexy lothario sits alone in his queer pad, “drinking cocoa” on said bearskin rug alone? Why would someone’s girlfriend get their best friend to hit on their boyfriend to test him? Why would you invite your friend “Jay” to move into your house with you and your wife? This isn’t “Three’s Company,” bitch! Why would you go “hmmm” when your child was born looking like Jay? Every woman in this song—from his high school girlfriend who lied about being a virgin to the patient wife who’s being cheated on—is an embarrassment. I can’t believe I used to sing along to this song on the radio all the time when I was 12.

6) You know how you can listen to a song for forever and not really listen to the words or pay attention and then one day, because of where you are in your life, it makes sense. For example, sometime back in college, I finally "got" Ani DiFranco songs like "Untouchable Face" and "Gravel." (Yeah, I said Ani, wanna make something of it? It's not like I'm still buying her albums....) Well my current favorite song (after taking months to finally admit that I love it), aside from Johnny Cash and June Carter's cover of "It Ain't Me Babe," is Mariah Carey's "Shake it Off." I never really paid attention to the lyrics before but now it seems like the female empowerment anthem of the year. That's right girl, shake that man off, he's no good! It kind of reminds me of when my friend from LA told me not to make fun of Britney Spears because her last album really helped her through a bad breakup and all I could think was, "Really? Britney?" But were she going through that breakup this year, Mariah would totally be her girl.