It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.....
What a way to start off such a beautiful weekend, people! I’ve just heard some amazing news: 1) Creed has broken up! 2) Snoop Dogg is ordering people to retire “izzle” speak 3) The Post is reporting that the rumor du jour is that Lindsay Lohan is actually 22 and 4) Tabloids everywhere are running photos of Britney Spears and her man in Gay Paris and she looks terrible!!
First things first, though folks. We are finally free of Creed! Now, I realize that by mentioning them here I’m giving them more weight than they ever deserved, but C’MON- the only thing worse than a shitty, knock-off STP with a fake Eddie Vedder lead singer is a shitty, knock-off STP with a fake Eddie Vedder singer who loves the Lord and has a messiah complex! If I wanted my rock to be of the black leather-wearing, Jesus-loving variety, I’d just buy the crappy Evanescence record! (At least that chic can sing!) As if things could not get better on the Creed front (what could be better than the prospect of never having to see another open shirted, Jim Morrison-aping Stapp video about how “wide open” his arms are to God?), there is an unintentionally hilarious article about it on mtv.com. Scott Phillips, the drummer, end the piece by saying, “Even if you loved us or hated us, just remember us.” I literally laughed out loud here at work. Oh, I’ll keep a special place in my heart for the hatred of your band, Scott, don’t you worry. You’ll be nestled in there along with Color Me Badd, Candlebox, and the Eagles. PS: Since this blog was so adamant in writing about hating Mel Gibson and refusing to see the Passion of the Christ, I thought that now would be a good time to mention that the God-fearing Mr. Stapp (who has been known to perform “high off his ass” and who was charged with reckless endangerment after a car accident in 2002- I guess Jesus is down with drunks and dangerous drivers, just not tolerance or free speech!) is contributing a track to the album of the Passion that will be released on August 31st. The album will feature songs “inspired by the film” so hopefully they will have titles like, “The Jews Did It,” “You Don’t Know Suffering,” and “Holocaust, Shmolocaust, I Said More Ham.”
In other, slightly-less-pressing news, Snoop told an MTV reporter that “izzle” is over, which means that lame white people will still be saying it for like another year or so. But it is good to know that Snoop is at least calling it over. I mean, when they hear douchebags like Jay Leno making fo-shizzle jokes, you know the brothers have got to be cringing! There is nothing lamer than middle aged white dudes trying to be down with black slang. I remember the first time I, non-ironically, said ‘dis. I don’t think I ever recovered from sounding so not cool. On the other hand, I would like to make a Snoop-like plea that we retire the phrase “Whatever happens in _______, stays in _______!” It’s tired, people!
As for Lindsay Lohan being 22…. I don’t want any of my loyal reader (yeah, that’s not a typo- I know there is only one of you!) to think I’m “dissing” Lindsay by bringing this up. In the Lindsay/Hillary feud, I’d take Lohan with her overuse of spray-on tan (especially for a redhead), big, possibly-fake boobs and charming ability to make fun of herself over Duff and her overly perky, Disney-fied, milk-fed looks and hurt feelings over Lohan’s SNL skits about her. (Note to Duff, it’s called a sense of humor, you should get one. They are nice!) I mean both of them have DREADFUL voices and their singing careers should be halted immediately, but as far as being a teen personality goes…. Lohan is much more appealing. That said, it would be great if she were 22. At least that would explain those boobs. And make a LOT of guys a lot less pedophilic!
As for Britney, I feel like this is a good lesson in your insides matching your outsides. You steal another woman’s man (a woman who is going to have that man’s baby, nonetheless!) and you are destined to look like Charlize Theron in Monster! You’ll get orange hair, bad zits and a boyfriend who looks like David Silver back when he was trying to have a rap career. (You remember those days, doncha? Steve was his manager and DS wore oversized silky shirts and rapped behind an enormous keyboard!) C’mon Brit, I know that white trash men probably remind you of home, but stay away from dudes with AJ-from-the-Backstreet-Boys, overtrimmed facial hair.
PS: Is it totally lame that I’m excited for the MTV Movie Awards? I wanna see if the Yeah Yeah Yeahs can translate their awesome art-punk energy on TV. I wanna see if Lindsay Lohan will make more fun of Hillary Duff. I wanna see Kate Hudson present to see if the tabloids are right and she hasn’t lost her baby weight. Mostly, I just wanna see who wins Best Male Performance (Sandler is outclassed, Bill Murray should win but it’s MTV so it’ll probably go to Johnny Depp. As long as Jim “my initials are also J.C.” Caveziel, I’ll be a happy camper.”
First things first, though folks. We are finally free of Creed! Now, I realize that by mentioning them here I’m giving them more weight than they ever deserved, but C’MON- the only thing worse than a shitty, knock-off STP with a fake Eddie Vedder lead singer is a shitty, knock-off STP with a fake Eddie Vedder singer who loves the Lord and has a messiah complex! If I wanted my rock to be of the black leather-wearing, Jesus-loving variety, I’d just buy the crappy Evanescence record! (At least that chic can sing!) As if things could not get better on the Creed front (what could be better than the prospect of never having to see another open shirted, Jim Morrison-aping Stapp video about how “wide open” his arms are to God?), there is an unintentionally hilarious article about it on mtv.com. Scott Phillips, the drummer, end the piece by saying, “Even if you loved us or hated us, just remember us.” I literally laughed out loud here at work. Oh, I’ll keep a special place in my heart for the hatred of your band, Scott, don’t you worry. You’ll be nestled in there along with Color Me Badd, Candlebox, and the Eagles. PS: Since this blog was so adamant in writing about hating Mel Gibson and refusing to see the Passion of the Christ, I thought that now would be a good time to mention that the God-fearing Mr. Stapp (who has been known to perform “high off his ass” and who was charged with reckless endangerment after a car accident in 2002- I guess Jesus is down with drunks and dangerous drivers, just not tolerance or free speech!) is contributing a track to the album of the Passion that will be released on August 31st. The album will feature songs “inspired by the film” so hopefully they will have titles like, “The Jews Did It,” “You Don’t Know Suffering,” and “Holocaust, Shmolocaust, I Said More Ham.”
In other, slightly-less-pressing news, Snoop told an MTV reporter that “izzle” is over, which means that lame white people will still be saying it for like another year or so. But it is good to know that Snoop is at least calling it over. I mean, when they hear douchebags like Jay Leno making fo-shizzle jokes, you know the brothers have got to be cringing! There is nothing lamer than middle aged white dudes trying to be down with black slang. I remember the first time I, non-ironically, said ‘dis. I don’t think I ever recovered from sounding so not cool. On the other hand, I would like to make a Snoop-like plea that we retire the phrase “Whatever happens in _______, stays in _______!” It’s tired, people!
As for Lindsay Lohan being 22…. I don’t want any of my loyal reader (yeah, that’s not a typo- I know there is only one of you!) to think I’m “dissing” Lindsay by bringing this up. In the Lindsay/Hillary feud, I’d take Lohan with her overuse of spray-on tan (especially for a redhead), big, possibly-fake boobs and charming ability to make fun of herself over Duff and her overly perky, Disney-fied, milk-fed looks and hurt feelings over Lohan’s SNL skits about her. (Note to Duff, it’s called a sense of humor, you should get one. They are nice!) I mean both of them have DREADFUL voices and their singing careers should be halted immediately, but as far as being a teen personality goes…. Lohan is much more appealing. That said, it would be great if she were 22. At least that would explain those boobs. And make a LOT of guys a lot less pedophilic!
As for Britney, I feel like this is a good lesson in your insides matching your outsides. You steal another woman’s man (a woman who is going to have that man’s baby, nonetheless!) and you are destined to look like Charlize Theron in Monster! You’ll get orange hair, bad zits and a boyfriend who looks like David Silver back when he was trying to have a rap career. (You remember those days, doncha? Steve was his manager and DS wore oversized silky shirts and rapped behind an enormous keyboard!) C’mon Brit, I know that white trash men probably remind you of home, but stay away from dudes with AJ-from-the-Backstreet-Boys, overtrimmed facial hair.
PS: Is it totally lame that I’m excited for the MTV Movie Awards? I wanna see if the Yeah Yeah Yeahs can translate their awesome art-punk energy on TV. I wanna see if Lindsay Lohan will make more fun of Hillary Duff. I wanna see Kate Hudson present to see if the tabloids are right and she hasn’t lost her baby weight. Mostly, I just wanna see who wins Best Male Performance (Sandler is outclassed, Bill Murray should win but it’s MTV so it’ll probably go to Johnny Depp. As long as Jim “my initials are also J.C.” Caveziel, I’ll be a happy camper.”
3 Comments:
hey it's me again. Um, Lindsey Lohan cannot be 22 because that means she was 16 when she made The Parent Trap...and she was clearly only like 11. And that is NOT Irulan in the Roses video. I don't remember where I read that, but apparently it's just a girl who looks like her.
And I like Creed and guys in tank tops and speedos. Oh, and I found a broom that we need to get for the apartment.
Beth
Actually, according to some radio news stations that IS Irulan. (C'mon it looks just like her and she is out in LA with Alton trying to be an actor!) And yes, I didn't really think Lindsay Lohan was 22. I just like the rumor. It would definitely explain a lot though....
oh, I think it looks like Irulan....but I thought I heard something else. I could have just made it up, like how I think Eliot Gould is dead.
Hazmat.
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