And teacher, there are things that I still have to learn
20 things I've learned in the days since I last posted:
1) Franz Ferdinand are amazing live- just like I suspected. Especially if you and Jen are double fisting the whole show. (A guy at the bar chastised us saying, "It's called moderation, girls!" Oh yeah, well it's called getting drunk and we're better at it than you!) Especially if Webster Hall is hot and you are dancing like maniacs and covered in sweat.
2) Jen is the best date to have if the guys behind you are trying to grab your ass. She'll put a stop to that nonsense pronto. (One guy even offered this lame apology, "If it helps, I'm gay." Thanks dude, apparantly you've always been my demographic. Just ask my old gay boyfriends. That's right boyfriends- plural.)
3) Sometimes if you double fist beers at a show and don't eat dinner you'll meet your friends at Lit afterward and have no recollection of what a drunk ass you are. And sometimes you will get pictures emailed to you the next day of your boobs.
4) If you happen to get that drunk on, say, a Thursday, sometimes it is hard to wake up for work the next day. Even if work is at noon. Even if you are up text messaging Jen about her grandma and your throbbing head at 6 in the morning. Sometimes you will have to go back to bed for the day with a sleep mask that you got for free on Virgin Airlines to block out the painful sunlight.
5) If number four should happen and you should find yourself on the train to Philly to see your parents the next day, it's best not to mention the previous nights debaucheries. Call if "food poisoning" if you must.
6) If you must attend a wedding of a high school friend that you are no longer friendly with, it is best to be as drunk as possible. If there are people at the wedding with drugs they are willing to share, even better.
7) Catholic wedding ceremonies are long.
8) If you are going to read bible scripture at your wedding, best not to choose passages about Eve being "of" Adam and women needing to find their missing partner. That is if you don't want to alienate every single woman in the audience. And all of the married feminists.
9) The people from high school who still live in their hometown and think they are better than you because they have fiancees and work for their parents are lame. You are totally cooler. Even though you are broke. And single. And are at risk of being fired for #4.
10) Mystic River, though full of great performances, is actually kind of misogynistic.
11) It is always best to take Amtrak with a friend. Even better if that friend is Melissa.
12) When trains are crowded and you have to share the four-seater with the stuffiest, most newly engaged yuppie couple ever, it is totally appropriate to spend the whole ride exchanging graphic sex stories. Even better if you are going to put down people that are married and engaged. Even better still if your travel partner has stories about stealing money from people, analingous, or fucking members of the same sex. Don't worry, when your bunk mates' eye rolling becomes full on glaring- it means they think you are charming.
13) I think the luckiest people at the Olsen twins graduation are the two kids sitting in the row in front of them. They made it into all of the pictures that papers and websites ran and they look so bored and dissatisfied with the whole graduation that their facial expressions seem to be saying, "Gee, I'm so glad those anerexic douchebags in front of me are billionaires cuz now I get to go work a minimum wage job for the rest of my life. You think if I snuck one of them a sandwich that they'd pay for my health insurance next year?"
14) If you are over the age of 18 it is not appropriate to walk around with hickeys on your neck. Especially not to work. Especially not during the summer when you can't even wear a turtleneck or a scarf to cover up.
15) When your boss asks you about your hickeys, it is probably best not to say, "What?" while blushing deeply. No one is fooled.
16) If you are going to go all Jew after a life of Catholicism and you want to pick a new name, don't go with Esther. There are lots of nice Jewish names but this is not one of them. The only other people with your name will be collecting social security checks.
17) If you are moving in, say, six days, don't bother packing yet. Why be organized and rational about something like moving your home. Wait until the last possible minute- that'll ensure smooth sailing.
18) If you do happen to clear an evening to stay in packing, it is a much better idea to go to your friend's apartment and eat "brownies." Better still if you plan to go to the Killers concert at the Merc. tomorrow night and the Spin/Killers party on Thursday. You wouldn't want to leave any pesky free time for packing or actually procuring boxes to pack in.
19) If you are 22 and have already had one marriage annulled, getting engaged to one of your backup dancers who is expecting a baby with a C-level sitcom actress is just the thing for you! Especially if you just broke your knee and cancelled your summer tour. Bring on the perscription drug addiction! In fact, you know what will win your fans back? Get married in rehab! Worked for Elizabeth Taylor.
20) It is very, very hard if you are broke and on unsteady employment footing to work for a music listings section because all you do is read and write about awesome shows that you can't afford to go to. Or even if you can afford them they are on days that you aren't free. (Like the free Cat Power show in the East River Park that is this weekend. I'm moving that day, but read my preview here:
http://www.villagevoice.com/choices/evening.php?eventID=52301&slcategory=music&sldate=2004-06-22 )
1) Franz Ferdinand are amazing live- just like I suspected. Especially if you and Jen are double fisting the whole show. (A guy at the bar chastised us saying, "It's called moderation, girls!" Oh yeah, well it's called getting drunk and we're better at it than you!) Especially if Webster Hall is hot and you are dancing like maniacs and covered in sweat.
2) Jen is the best date to have if the guys behind you are trying to grab your ass. She'll put a stop to that nonsense pronto. (One guy even offered this lame apology, "If it helps, I'm gay." Thanks dude, apparantly you've always been my demographic. Just ask my old gay boyfriends. That's right boyfriends- plural.)
3) Sometimes if you double fist beers at a show and don't eat dinner you'll meet your friends at Lit afterward and have no recollection of what a drunk ass you are. And sometimes you will get pictures emailed to you the next day of your boobs.
4) If you happen to get that drunk on, say, a Thursday, sometimes it is hard to wake up for work the next day. Even if work is at noon. Even if you are up text messaging Jen about her grandma and your throbbing head at 6 in the morning. Sometimes you will have to go back to bed for the day with a sleep mask that you got for free on Virgin Airlines to block out the painful sunlight.
5) If number four should happen and you should find yourself on the train to Philly to see your parents the next day, it's best not to mention the previous nights debaucheries. Call if "food poisoning" if you must.
6) If you must attend a wedding of a high school friend that you are no longer friendly with, it is best to be as drunk as possible. If there are people at the wedding with drugs they are willing to share, even better.
7) Catholic wedding ceremonies are long.
8) If you are going to read bible scripture at your wedding, best not to choose passages about Eve being "of" Adam and women needing to find their missing partner. That is if you don't want to alienate every single woman in the audience. And all of the married feminists.
9) The people from high school who still live in their hometown and think they are better than you because they have fiancees and work for their parents are lame. You are totally cooler. Even though you are broke. And single. And are at risk of being fired for #4.
10) Mystic River, though full of great performances, is actually kind of misogynistic.
11) It is always best to take Amtrak with a friend. Even better if that friend is Melissa.
12) When trains are crowded and you have to share the four-seater with the stuffiest, most newly engaged yuppie couple ever, it is totally appropriate to spend the whole ride exchanging graphic sex stories. Even better if you are going to put down people that are married and engaged. Even better still if your travel partner has stories about stealing money from people, analingous, or fucking members of the same sex. Don't worry, when your bunk mates' eye rolling becomes full on glaring- it means they think you are charming.
13) I think the luckiest people at the Olsen twins graduation are the two kids sitting in the row in front of them. They made it into all of the pictures that papers and websites ran and they look so bored and dissatisfied with the whole graduation that their facial expressions seem to be saying, "Gee, I'm so glad those anerexic douchebags in front of me are billionaires cuz now I get to go work a minimum wage job for the rest of my life. You think if I snuck one of them a sandwich that they'd pay for my health insurance next year?"
14) If you are over the age of 18 it is not appropriate to walk around with hickeys on your neck. Especially not to work. Especially not during the summer when you can't even wear a turtleneck or a scarf to cover up.
15) When your boss asks you about your hickeys, it is probably best not to say, "What?" while blushing deeply. No one is fooled.
16) If you are going to go all Jew after a life of Catholicism and you want to pick a new name, don't go with Esther. There are lots of nice Jewish names but this is not one of them. The only other people with your name will be collecting social security checks.
17) If you are moving in, say, six days, don't bother packing yet. Why be organized and rational about something like moving your home. Wait until the last possible minute- that'll ensure smooth sailing.
18) If you do happen to clear an evening to stay in packing, it is a much better idea to go to your friend's apartment and eat "brownies." Better still if you plan to go to the Killers concert at the Merc. tomorrow night and the Spin/Killers party on Thursday. You wouldn't want to leave any pesky free time for packing or actually procuring boxes to pack in.
19) If you are 22 and have already had one marriage annulled, getting engaged to one of your backup dancers who is expecting a baby with a C-level sitcom actress is just the thing for you! Especially if you just broke your knee and cancelled your summer tour. Bring on the perscription drug addiction! In fact, you know what will win your fans back? Get married in rehab! Worked for Elizabeth Taylor.
20) It is very, very hard if you are broke and on unsteady employment footing to work for a music listings section because all you do is read and write about awesome shows that you can't afford to go to. Or even if you can afford them they are on days that you aren't free. (Like the free Cat Power show in the East River Park that is this weekend. I'm moving that day, but read my preview here:
http://www.villagevoice.com/choices/evening.php?eventID=52301&slcategory=music&sldate=2004-06-22 )
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