**NOW MY HEART IS FULL**

Holy shit, Batman! Get a load of this! Lollapalooza is gonna rock this year. I hope you all go out and get your tickets. It's a two day festival! (Which is great, as long as there is no, you know, camping!) Mozzer will be there! Modest Mouse and Flaming Lips too! (The concert is going back to its real alternative roots. I'm so excited.) Plus with String Cheese Incident playing, I'll definitely have an opportunity to to take a long bathroom break and I won't miss anything! Thanks to Jen for giving me the heads up!

*Part-Time Love Just Brings Me Down*

George Michael is mulling over following in the footsteps of other English gay icons like Freddy Mercury and Boy George. There might be a Wham! musical??!! Please, please, please let the first act end with "Everything She Wants," after the girlfriend of the protaganist (suggestion, his name should be Ridgley) reveals that she is having a baby. And, you know, he'd tell her that he's happy if she wants him to.

**THANKS, YASSIR**

I promise that this will be my last posting about the freakin' Passion of the Christ. (That is unless another person dies while watching it! Ooops- happened again! This time to a Brazillian man on Sunday. The first death by Gibson was a Kansas woman on the opening weekend!) But I could let this story pass by without my comment. So, apparantly Yassir Arafat saw Mel's movie and he gives the definitive judgement on it's anti-Semetic-ness. Clearly it's not! Hey, if such a fan of the Jews, like Arafat, thinks the movie is fair and unbiased than clearly I've been wrong this whole time!!

*GUESS YOU COULD SAY I GAVE YOU MY EDGE*-interpol

I know all the cool kids are at South by Southwest this week. I know I'm missing killer performances. My favorite fucking bands like the Killers, Franz Ferdinand, the New Year and Modest Mouse are playing this year! Also playing are some folks I'd love to get to see play live: people like Joan Jett (who I was too lazy to go see when she played at Warsaw during CMJ), the Von Bondies, Neal Pollack (whose book/record combo I freakin' love!), Atmosphere, the Walkmen, the Thrills and N.E.R.D.!! Plus, Wayne Coyne is giving what I'm sure is a very smart, yet weird, talk. (Don't worry the has-beens are also representing! Washed up actresses like Tia Carrera and Julie Delpy are playing the roles of chanteuses at this year's fest! If anyone caught their show I want a full report! Were they expectedly terrible? Did Tia perform "Ballroom Blitz"? Were they surprisingly good? Is the chick from "Before Sunrise" the future of girly singer/songwriters??)

Anyhoo.... I'm sure there are loads of people on the Internet who can give you a full report on the festival's goings-on. I am not one of them. I spent this weekend, relatively quietly- wishing my back wasn't in so much pain, that I wasn't so doped up, that I had the money to make the trip to Austin, that I worked for a publication that wanted to send me there..... Whatever. I can offer you this: my week in review!

WINNERS:

Canada. That's right folks, my home country is a real winner this week. In a step that would make them only the second country (after the Netherlands) to do so, Canada is planning on selling medical grade marijuana in pharmacies. As if I needed another reason to move back to the motherland! Our home and native land- INDEED!

Prince. He was inducted in the Rock and Rolll Hall of Fame this week. His performances (of "Let's Go Crazy"/"Kiss" and his bitchin' guitar solo on the George Harrison tribute of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps") were the highlight of an otherwise pretty boring induction ceremony. Though he may have found Jehovah, or whatever, he is still the most rocking Sexy Motherfucker around. Did you see his asymentrically hemmed suit jacket? Did you catch his hanging-off-the-stage backbend during WMGGW? Tickets for his new show go on sale at noon today and God knows I'll be first in line for tickets. (Or should I say, I've put Beth in charge of being first in line for tickets. Did I mention how I'm trying to talk her into wearing her Prince Halloween costume to the show?!) Prince at Madison Square Garden? I'm there. That's fucking once in a lifetime. (I hear he's renounced his "perverted songs" but I'm still hoping to hear some "Little Red Corvette" and "Darling Nikki.")

"Dawn of the Dead." While I don't actually plan on seeing this zombie remake, I'm pro anything that knocks Mel and his "Passion" out of the top box office spot. Plus, Sarah Polley is in it.

Ella "Crazy Eye" VanAwesome. Cuz I promised her mommies that I'd mention her here. Plus, she is the world's best dog. (Before the back mishap, I was her designated dog walker. If she could just learn how to approach the cute guys with dogs, she'd be PERFECT!) If I knew how to post pictures on blogger, I'd let you see her for herself. (If anyone knows how to do this, email me!!)

LOSERS:

Courtney Love. It's not even fun to watch the trainwreck anymore. I had to watch her Letterman appearance through my fingers, like it was a goddamn horror film. What happened to the fucked up, but strong, rocking, feminist Courtney of the ninties? She was off-the-wall and kinderwhore-y and clearly on drugs. But the music was good and in her public appearances she seemed really smart and savvy. Like the ambitious grrrl I wanted for an older, rockstar sister. Then she went all glam and Hollywood. She seemed cleaned up and her bad skin and bad nose and awesomely bad fashions went the way of her husband. Fans yelled sellout, but I was still behind her. I applauded her acting in "Larry Flynt," I thought her relationship with Ivy Leaguer, Edward Norton, was charming. But now? I don't even know what to make of her. Everywhere she goes, she gets arrested. She is stripping and screaming on Letterman. She's hitting people with mike stands and awaiting hearing dates (that she shows up for late and CLEARLY high). I'm not the poster child for clean living, but she is fucked up beyond recognition. Courtney, where is your daughter? Clean up. Get a band that doesn't look like they were LA model/actresses who dropped out of AA with you. Put out a decent album. AND STAY HOME SOMETIMES!

Paris and Britney. It seems like both publicity-shy blond geniuses are both injured. (Brit hurt her knee, cancelling concerts and Paris fell off a horse filming the Simple Life 2.) Way to go girls. With your bodies not in working condition, maybe now people can respect you for your minds. By the way, I'm taking bets on whether or not a hurt knee is the new publicist-speak for rehab. Is it the new "hospitalized for exhaustion"?

Whitney Houston. It's been a big week in crazy diva news. She's apparantly checked herself into rehab. (I guess the real losers this week are Bobbi Christina and Francis Bean!) Did I mention that she checked herself in while Bobby Brown is still serving jail time? I guess crack really is whack! I should mention that Beth and I (in our yearlong search for a costume!) are considering being Courtney and Whitney for Halloween 2004. It's a crazy bitch Halloween!

Crucifiction. A delusional dude in Maine tried to crucify himself to death. Thanks, Mel Gibson!

Saint Patrick's Day. Did anyone notice that it happened this year? I sure as shit didn't.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony. I mean I like "Night Moves" as much as the next person but- outside of George Harrison and Prince- I just didn't give a damn about the bands this year. Although it would be hard to top last year's ceremony for me- I mean, the Clash, Elvis Costello, AC/DC! They are some of my favorite bands of all time. Hell, even though I can't stomach the new age-y, stale, middle-aged Sting, I still think the Police are a more vital choice than ZZ Top. But that's just me. Plus, I couldn't even concentrate on the thank-you speeches this year because the producers made the terrible and confusing choice of giving us a split screen of the artist's performance and their speeches.

That's all folks. Spazz on, spazz!

**BIGMOUTH STRIKES AGAIN**

It's the sin of hubris, I know, or the proverbial "getting what you wished for" but was it really really necessary for me to proclaim on Sunday night (after seeing exactly one half of the best band ever- THE SMITHS!- DJing at the Tribeca Grand and meeting them and taking pictures with them) "NOW I COULD DIE A HAPPY WOMAN!" ?

Now granted, after the uber-geek moment where I approached Mike Joyce and shook his hand and said, "Look, I don't want a picture, I don't want an autograph. I just wanted to meet the man responsible for the music that changed my life." and he kissed me on the cheek and said, "thanks, it is so nice to hear. That's the nicest compliment I've heard."- I really had acheived all of my life-long goal. I mean, I really meant it when I said, all red-cheeked and hyperventalatorily, that I could die now. But I didn't mean it LITERALLY! As with all things in Retown, for every silver lining in my life, there is a big old cloud.

You see, sometime on Tuesday morning, I threw out my back. Now, I know that sounds like something an 100 year old man would say- but it's true. Back spasms galore! I blame the baby I was babysitting (the pain started after shlepping the little two-year old in his stroller up a bunch of stairs- what's that, like 50 pounds of weight improperly carried?). But, the long and the short of the story is: the week started out great. Dancing to music played by half of the Smiths. Being kissed by a Smith. Meeting and taking pictures with two Smiths.... But the rest of the week consisted of me, lying prostrate on the couch, hopped up on muscle relaxers and watching tv while moaning aloud (hey! it's not as fun as it sounds. you can't enjoy the drugs and the soaps and laziness when you are experiencing searing pain and feeling embarassed about an injury that is usually sustained by grandparents!) and shots in the back from my doctor (which are never fun. under any circumstance.)

The moral of the story, Smiths fans, is watch what you say. I promise- if given the chance- to not tempt fate with such utterances if I ever get to meet the Mozzer. (I will not spend the day after such an illustrious meeting in traction!) That is- provided I haven't already died of a heart attack from the meeting itself!

In the meantime, if you need me, you can find me drugged up on the couch, moaning.....

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. One would think that with my schedule of sleeping until noon and listening to my itunes on full blast all afternoon while chain-smoking I would have plenty of time for keeping up the blog. But, clearly, staring at an unchanging screen of Mediabistro.com has taken precidence. (I really should ban all talk of my unemployment from this blog because a) it's depressing b) it's not funny or amusing for others to read about and c) you all know what spending the day watching soap operas is like, so you don't need my commentary.)

Anyway, since I've been gone a whole week of March has happened. It already came in like a lamb and has turned lion on us. But, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm fine with a cold March. In fact, I'm fine with a cold June! Anything to keep the sticky, smelly, garbage-infused heat of the New York summer at bay. So, in another hommage to what is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows, here is my week long wrap up. Winners, losers and all!

Winners:

Jack White. I mean not only did his squint-faced sometime girlfriend win an Oscar (did anyone else see those truly weird pictures of him at the Oscar afterparty in EW? His hair was the color of Kraft dinner and it looked like he was wearing a brown cordory suit. What no uniform?), but he also plead guilty to assaulting Jason from the Von Bondies and only got fined $500!! Oh yeah, and he has to take an anger management class, but with his connections I'm sure it'll be with Jack Nicholson or something.

Jen Gerard because I finally got the Darkness' album from her. After months of frustration, I can listen to "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" over and over to my little hearts content. And don't think that I don't listen to it on repeat. Recent example: on a walk from Tompkins Square Park to my place on Orchard Street, I listened to it five times.

Franz Ferdinand. Their self-titled debut album was finally released Stateside today and the hoity-toity indie snobs at Pitchfork even gave it a 9.1. They called it celebratory. I wholeheartedly concurr.

Morrissey. I mean, he's always a winner to me. But now he's announced the May 18th release of his new album, "You Are the Quarry." It's his first album since 1997 (aside from greatest hits). I'm peeing my pants. I've already put in a press request for the album. My parents thought I was kidding but, as I reported earlier on the site, I plan to name my second kid (after the one I name Declan) Morrissey.

L'il Jon. This was a big week for the L'il one. Dave Chappelle played him on his AMAZING and HYSTERICAL show (as someone who, in every conversation can only yell, "Yeah!" or "Ok!" or "What?!" hee hee.) and he launched his porn career. I dunno though- does anyone out there really want to see L'il Jon's l'il jon?


Losers:

America's Next Top Model. Don't get me wrong, I am OBSESSED with this show. I'm pulling for Yoanna to beat the pants off of Shandi, the judges favorite cuz she's so "high fashion." According to the preview for next week's show, beating the pants off of her shouldn't be hard. Looks like the slizz is going to cheat on her boyfriend in Milan. Whatever. She's just getting what is coming to her. The girl freakin' robbed the Wallgreens that she worked at! That kind of felonious shit wouldn't fly on American Idol. So much drama- you may be wondering, therefore, why the best reality show this year is on my losers list. BECAUSE TYRA GAVE US A FREAKIN' CLIP SHOW THIS WEEK. Weak. They are down to the final four and they teased me with a trailer promising Shandi's boyfriend screaming, "You had sex!" and instead I had to watch an hour of nonsense that I'd already seen. Another episode like this (or the one where they premiered Tyra's wannabe-Beyonce video) and I'm gonna have to stop watching for good.

Jayson Blair. I know that he has been a loser for longer than just this week but I tried to watch his Dateline profile before going out on Friday night and it just solidified his loser status for me. Not because he is such a villian and made shit up at the Times and blah blah blah, but because he was just so sad. I felt so bad watching him because all I could think is, "he'll never be able to get a job. He is one of the most notorious liars ever." Don't get me wrong, he caused all this trouble and now he has to deal with the consequences but I just find the idea of someone under-30 being screwed for life terribly sad. I mean where is this kid going to work now? His journalism career is over, that's a given, but even if you just ran a Kinko's would you hire him?

Spalding Gray. Seriously. I'm not making a joke. It's really really sad.

Martha Stewart. I must admit that the whole time that Conan and Dave and that ridiculously unfunny Jay Leno made jokes about her redecorating her cell all I could think was, "yeah, but she's a celebrity and she's got dough and she didn't kill anyone so I bet she gets off." It was shocking and somewhat pleasing to see Ms. You'll-never-be-as-good-and-crafty-as-me become a convicted felon. Does anyone else think it's weird that when a celebrity commits a non-violent crime, juries find them guilty to make an example out of them, but if a celebrity commits murder or molests little boys they just hire a good lawyer and pay a lot of money to the victims?

William Hung. You know, the annoying "She Bangs" kid from American Idol. He got a record deal with Koch Records and his album will be released in April. F-that! I can't even make it through his whole rendition of "She Bangs" so I definitely don't need a whole album of it. God, William! Don't you realize that they are laughing at you, not with you? But I guess every era needs it's novelty hits. Rick Dees, writer of "Disco Duck," salutes you, William Hung!

Rubben Studdard. His new single, "Sorry 2004" may be a hit on TRL these days but I just don't get it. First of all, his voice sounds all Pro-Tools and Hillary-Duff-ified. I thought that he won American Idol because he was such a strong Vandross-like singer? I mean, I get all the pop tarts using computer voice effects. They can't sing, they are popular for their over-sexualized jailbait bodies. But Ruuuuuuuben? Really the last thing I thought he could be accused of was coasting along on his looks? Secondly, I dont' get this freaking song. Sorry 2004? Alright I appologize for 2005 in advance. And I'm kind of embarassed about what I'm going to do in 2011. And please don't hate me for sleeping with your husband in 2017.

Usher. Does anyone think it's a little sad that he looks like Justin Timberlake imitating a young Michael Jackson. It's nice that he collaborated with L'il Jon though. That dude can clearly use the work!

Ok, that's my week in review. Sorry it was a little heavy on the losers but, c'mon, we've all watched Access Hollywood- pop culture is mostly full of losers. Do yourself a favor though. Get your hands on a copy of ARE Weapons' song, "Dont' Be Scared." I know you may have an aversion to a band full of BOCs (Boys of Chloe- as in Sevigny) but you won't be sorry. This is song is the soundtrack to unemployment. And the casio-like dance loop that plays under the hipster-ish rapping is AMAZING and hypnotic. It's like they say in the song, "Dude, that's cool. Life was meant to be awesome!"

*Oscar the Grouch pt.2*

I was going to mention, in my earlier post, that the most disturbing part of the night for me was the pre-show arrival with Joan "I'm so scary they only show me in profile now" Rivers and Billy "he's such a douche that he makes me miss Ryan Seacrest" Bush. There were weird pre-scripted interviews ("You've been looking at Maria Menounous' heart all night, Owen"), awkward staged entrances (Billy and Keisha Castle-Hughes get out of the limo together. She may only be 13, but even she was embarassed to be seen with that wanker!), and really really really bad puns (Billy to Naomi Watts: "Watt's up?" I'm grimacing even now!). So I was glad that other bloggers have seized on these bad judgement calls too. My favorite contained this haiku nugget of greatness- amongst others:

8:20 PM
"Hey Naomi Watts!
Watt's up??" Billy Bush just asked.
I'm buying a gun.

Heh heh. I forgot how much I love haiku. (It's so great, in fact, that I see that they have posted it on GAWKER!)

*OSCAR THE GROUCH*

I told myself I wasn't going to post about last night's Oscars, since they were the most boring, predictable and mind-numbing awards show I've ever seen (and I've watched the Tony's before!), but I can't pass up the opportunity to write about the two GREAT moments of an otherwise destitute 4 hours of my life that I wish i could get back.

Enjoyable Oscar Moment #1: Amongst the schmaltz (and let's face it, schmaltz wins every year! We are talking about a catagory that Diane Warren and Phil Collins have won!) of the Best Song awards were some honest-to-God bright spots. First I got to see my boyfriend, Elvis Costello, perform his song from Cold Mountain with Allison Krause. (I like to tell myself that he only married Diana Krall because she was the first Canadian he found. He was really looking for me!) But I felt my allegiances were torn once Mitch and Mickey performed "Kiss at the End of the Rainbow." The fact that this amazing song didn't win is just proof that the Academy has no taste. I mean, Lord of the Fucking Rings won every other goddamned award- did they really need to be rewarded for their piece of Enya-copying tripe that they submitted for Best Song? A Mighty Wind's song managed the seemingly-impossible task of being a)good, b) meticulous in its detail to adhearing to folk music style and c) funny as hell. When something makes me laugh and get choked up at the same time, it is doing something right. There was no contest- "Kiss at the End of the Rainbow" was the best song of the year. But so was Elliott Smith's "Miss Misery" in 1997. And Aimee Mann's "Save Me" in 1999. The academy gets this catagory wrong almost every year. (I'm still reeling from shock that Eminem won last year- the rightful winner!) The people they usually nominate are abismal (the aforementioned Diane Warren, Sting, whoever wrote the song from that year's Disney cartoon musical) and the winners are even worse. (Note: Miss Misery was beaten by "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic and "Save Me" was beaten by fucking "You'll Be in My Heart" from Tarzan!) Looking at their nominees and winners people would think that the movies are a clearing house for auditory horror, when in fact, movies often showcase original (and often, unknown) musical talent. C'mon people! Stephen Merritt did the Pieces of April soundtrack (featuring one of my favorite songs of all time, "Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side") and Jonny Greenwood put out his first solo album and it is the soundtrack to a film (Bodysong). I can't believe that I thought that Mitch and Mickey could win. I guess after Eminem's win last year, I went crazy thinking that members of the Academy had grown a set, acquired some musical taste and actually knew what year it was. I was wrong.

Enjoyable Oscar Moment #2: Fucking Will Ferrel and Jack Black. Years from now, when the 2003 Oscars are just known as that boring black hole year where every D&D-playing, goth hobbit took time out of their busy schedule of chronic masterbation and technical theater to leave their parent's basement to vote for Lord of the Rings in every freaking catagory, all that we will remember in fondness about the telecast is these guy's rendition of the Oscar cut off music. "You're boring!" I nearly peed myself. (And, let me tell you, after 4 hours of sitting and drinking Diet Dr. Pepper and watching LOTR beat out every other movie that wasn't nominated for the past three years- I needed a piss!) The only thing funnier than their song was Will Ferrel's reading of the nominees for Best Song. I miss his James Lipton from SNL but when he said, in his over-annunciated Lipton-whisper, "Sting," I got a small taste of it. If there was any justice at the Academy Awards (and we know there isn't- witness Bill Murray's loss!) these guys would both be big winners next year. Hell, they deserve nominations just for last night's performances. They were the only thing up-stage that wasn't as dead as the facial muscles on Catherine Zeta Jones. (Hi, Catherine. I know you are married to a corpse who's had more face-lifts than he's had children, but with all that Botax you've got- at least I hope it's just Botox- you look less like an Oscar winner and more like a certain Doritos pitchwoman!)

All that said, things look bright for next year's Oscars. Hey at least LOTR can't be nominated. And that is enough for me.