Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. One would think that with my schedule of sleeping until noon and listening to my itunes on full blast all afternoon while chain-smoking I would have plenty of time for keeping up the blog. But, clearly, staring at an unchanging screen of Mediabistro.com has taken precidence. (I really should ban all talk of my unemployment from this blog because a) it's depressing b) it's not funny or amusing for others to read about and c) you all know what spending the day watching soap operas is like, so you don't need my commentary.)
Anyway, since I've been gone a whole week of March has happened. It already came in like a lamb and has turned lion on us. But, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm fine with a cold March. In fact, I'm fine with a cold June! Anything to keep the sticky, smelly, garbage-infused heat of the New York summer at bay. So, in another hommage to what is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows, here is my week long wrap up. Winners, losers and all!
Winners:
Jack White. I mean not only did his squint-faced sometime girlfriend win an Oscar (did anyone else see those truly weird pictures of him at the Oscar afterparty in EW? His hair was the color of Kraft dinner and it looked like he was wearing a brown cordory suit. What no uniform?), but he also plead guilty to assaulting Jason from the Von Bondies and only got fined $500!! Oh yeah, and he has to take an anger management class, but with his connections I'm sure it'll be with Jack Nicholson or something.
Jen Gerard because I finally got the Darkness' album from her. After months of frustration, I can listen to "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" over and over to my little hearts content. And don't think that I don't listen to it on repeat. Recent example: on a walk from Tompkins Square Park to my place on Orchard Street, I listened to it five times.
Franz Ferdinand. Their self-titled debut album was finally released Stateside today and the hoity-toity indie snobs at Pitchfork even gave it a 9.1. They called it celebratory. I wholeheartedly concurr.
Morrissey. I mean, he's always a winner to me. But now he's announced the May 18th release of his new album, "You Are the Quarry." It's his first album since 1997 (aside from greatest hits). I'm peeing my pants. I've already put in a press request for the album. My parents thought I was kidding but, as I reported earlier on the site, I plan to name my second kid (after the one I name Declan) Morrissey.
L'il Jon. This was a big week for the L'il one. Dave Chappelle played him on his AMAZING and HYSTERICAL show (as someone who, in every conversation can only yell, "Yeah!" or "Ok!" or "What?!" hee hee.) and he launched his porn career. I dunno though- does anyone out there really want to see L'il Jon's l'il jon?
Losers:
America's Next Top Model. Don't get me wrong, I am OBSESSED with this show. I'm pulling for Yoanna to beat the pants off of Shandi, the judges favorite cuz she's so "high fashion." According to the preview for next week's show, beating the pants off of her shouldn't be hard. Looks like the slizz is going to cheat on her boyfriend in Milan. Whatever. She's just getting what is coming to her. The girl freakin' robbed the Wallgreens that she worked at! That kind of felonious shit wouldn't fly on American Idol. So much drama- you may be wondering, therefore, why the best reality show this year is on my losers list. BECAUSE TYRA GAVE US A FREAKIN' CLIP SHOW THIS WEEK. Weak. They are down to the final four and they teased me with a trailer promising Shandi's boyfriend screaming, "You had sex!" and instead I had to watch an hour of nonsense that I'd already seen. Another episode like this (or the one where they premiered Tyra's wannabe-Beyonce video) and I'm gonna have to stop watching for good.
Jayson Blair. I know that he has been a loser for longer than just this week but I tried to watch his Dateline profile before going out on Friday night and it just solidified his loser status for me. Not because he is such a villian and made shit up at the Times and blah blah blah, but because he was just so sad. I felt so bad watching him because all I could think is, "he'll never be able to get a job. He is one of the most notorious liars ever." Don't get me wrong, he caused all this trouble and now he has to deal with the consequences but I just find the idea of someone under-30 being screwed for life terribly sad. I mean where is this kid going to work now? His journalism career is over, that's a given, but even if you just ran a Kinko's would you hire him?
Spalding Gray. Seriously. I'm not making a joke. It's really really sad.
Martha Stewart. I must admit that the whole time that Conan and Dave and that ridiculously unfunny Jay Leno made jokes about her redecorating her cell all I could think was, "yeah, but she's a celebrity and she's got dough and she didn't kill anyone so I bet she gets off." It was shocking and somewhat pleasing to see Ms. You'll-never-be-as-good-and-crafty-as-me become a convicted felon. Does anyone else think it's weird that when a celebrity commits a non-violent crime, juries find them guilty to make an example out of them, but if a celebrity commits murder or molests little boys they just hire a good lawyer and pay a lot of money to the victims?
William Hung. You know, the annoying "She Bangs" kid from American Idol. He got a record deal with Koch Records and his album will be released in April. F-that! I can't even make it through his whole rendition of "She Bangs" so I definitely don't need a whole album of it. God, William! Don't you realize that they are laughing at you, not with you? But I guess every era needs it's novelty hits. Rick Dees, writer of "Disco Duck," salutes you, William Hung!
Rubben Studdard. His new single, "Sorry 2004" may be a hit on TRL these days but I just don't get it. First of all, his voice sounds all Pro-Tools and Hillary-Duff-ified. I thought that he won American Idol because he was such a strong Vandross-like singer? I mean, I get all the pop tarts using computer voice effects. They can't sing, they are popular for their over-sexualized jailbait bodies. But Ruuuuuuuben? Really the last thing I thought he could be accused of was coasting along on his looks? Secondly, I dont' get this freaking song. Sorry 2004? Alright I appologize for 2005 in advance. And I'm kind of embarassed about what I'm going to do in 2011. And please don't hate me for sleeping with your husband in 2017.
Usher. Does anyone think it's a little sad that he looks like Justin Timberlake imitating a young Michael Jackson. It's nice that he collaborated with L'il Jon though. That dude can clearly use the work!
Ok, that's my week in review. Sorry it was a little heavy on the losers but, c'mon, we've all watched Access Hollywood- pop culture is mostly full of losers. Do yourself a favor though. Get your hands on a copy of ARE Weapons' song, "Dont' Be Scared." I know you may have an aversion to a band full of BOCs (Boys of Chloe- as in Sevigny) but you won't be sorry. This is song is the soundtrack to unemployment. And the casio-like dance loop that plays under the hipster-ish rapping is AMAZING and hypnotic. It's like they say in the song, "Dude, that's cool. Life was meant to be awesome!"
Anyway, since I've been gone a whole week of March has happened. It already came in like a lamb and has turned lion on us. But, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm fine with a cold March. In fact, I'm fine with a cold June! Anything to keep the sticky, smelly, garbage-infused heat of the New York summer at bay. So, in another hommage to what is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows, here is my week long wrap up. Winners, losers and all!
Winners:
Jack White. I mean not only did his squint-faced sometime girlfriend win an Oscar (did anyone else see those truly weird pictures of him at the Oscar afterparty in EW? His hair was the color of Kraft dinner and it looked like he was wearing a brown cordory suit. What no uniform?), but he also plead guilty to assaulting Jason from the Von Bondies and only got fined $500!! Oh yeah, and he has to take an anger management class, but with his connections I'm sure it'll be with Jack Nicholson or something.
Jen Gerard because I finally got the Darkness' album from her. After months of frustration, I can listen to "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" over and over to my little hearts content. And don't think that I don't listen to it on repeat. Recent example: on a walk from Tompkins Square Park to my place on Orchard Street, I listened to it five times.
Franz Ferdinand. Their self-titled debut album was finally released Stateside today and the hoity-toity indie snobs at Pitchfork even gave it a 9.1. They called it celebratory. I wholeheartedly concurr.
Morrissey. I mean, he's always a winner to me. But now he's announced the May 18th release of his new album, "You Are the Quarry." It's his first album since 1997 (aside from greatest hits). I'm peeing my pants. I've already put in a press request for the album. My parents thought I was kidding but, as I reported earlier on the site, I plan to name my second kid (after the one I name Declan) Morrissey.
L'il Jon. This was a big week for the L'il one. Dave Chappelle played him on his AMAZING and HYSTERICAL show (as someone who, in every conversation can only yell, "Yeah!" or "Ok!" or "What?!" hee hee.) and he launched his porn career. I dunno though- does anyone out there really want to see L'il Jon's l'il jon?
Losers:
America's Next Top Model. Don't get me wrong, I am OBSESSED with this show. I'm pulling for Yoanna to beat the pants off of Shandi, the judges favorite cuz she's so "high fashion." According to the preview for next week's show, beating the pants off of her shouldn't be hard. Looks like the slizz is going to cheat on her boyfriend in Milan. Whatever. She's just getting what is coming to her. The girl freakin' robbed the Wallgreens that she worked at! That kind of felonious shit wouldn't fly on American Idol. So much drama- you may be wondering, therefore, why the best reality show this year is on my losers list. BECAUSE TYRA GAVE US A FREAKIN' CLIP SHOW THIS WEEK. Weak. They are down to the final four and they teased me with a trailer promising Shandi's boyfriend screaming, "You had sex!" and instead I had to watch an hour of nonsense that I'd already seen. Another episode like this (or the one where they premiered Tyra's wannabe-Beyonce video) and I'm gonna have to stop watching for good.
Jayson Blair. I know that he has been a loser for longer than just this week but I tried to watch his Dateline profile before going out on Friday night and it just solidified his loser status for me. Not because he is such a villian and made shit up at the Times and blah blah blah, but because he was just so sad. I felt so bad watching him because all I could think is, "he'll never be able to get a job. He is one of the most notorious liars ever." Don't get me wrong, he caused all this trouble and now he has to deal with the consequences but I just find the idea of someone under-30 being screwed for life terribly sad. I mean where is this kid going to work now? His journalism career is over, that's a given, but even if you just ran a Kinko's would you hire him?
Spalding Gray. Seriously. I'm not making a joke. It's really really sad.
Martha Stewart. I must admit that the whole time that Conan and Dave and that ridiculously unfunny Jay Leno made jokes about her redecorating her cell all I could think was, "yeah, but she's a celebrity and she's got dough and she didn't kill anyone so I bet she gets off." It was shocking and somewhat pleasing to see Ms. You'll-never-be-as-good-and-crafty-as-me become a convicted felon. Does anyone else think it's weird that when a celebrity commits a non-violent crime, juries find them guilty to make an example out of them, but if a celebrity commits murder or molests little boys they just hire a good lawyer and pay a lot of money to the victims?
William Hung. You know, the annoying "She Bangs" kid from American Idol. He got a record deal with Koch Records and his album will be released in April. F-that! I can't even make it through his whole rendition of "She Bangs" so I definitely don't need a whole album of it. God, William! Don't you realize that they are laughing at you, not with you? But I guess every era needs it's novelty hits. Rick Dees, writer of "Disco Duck," salutes you, William Hung!
Rubben Studdard. His new single, "Sorry 2004" may be a hit on TRL these days but I just don't get it. First of all, his voice sounds all Pro-Tools and Hillary-Duff-ified. I thought that he won American Idol because he was such a strong Vandross-like singer? I mean, I get all the pop tarts using computer voice effects. They can't sing, they are popular for their over-sexualized jailbait bodies. But Ruuuuuuuben? Really the last thing I thought he could be accused of was coasting along on his looks? Secondly, I dont' get this freaking song. Sorry 2004? Alright I appologize for 2005 in advance. And I'm kind of embarassed about what I'm going to do in 2011. And please don't hate me for sleeping with your husband in 2017.
Usher. Does anyone think it's a little sad that he looks like Justin Timberlake imitating a young Michael Jackson. It's nice that he collaborated with L'il Jon though. That dude can clearly use the work!
Ok, that's my week in review. Sorry it was a little heavy on the losers but, c'mon, we've all watched Access Hollywood- pop culture is mostly full of losers. Do yourself a favor though. Get your hands on a copy of ARE Weapons' song, "Dont' Be Scared." I know you may have an aversion to a band full of BOCs (Boys of Chloe- as in Sevigny) but you won't be sorry. This is song is the soundtrack to unemployment. And the casio-like dance loop that plays under the hipster-ish rapping is AMAZING and hypnotic. It's like they say in the song, "Dude, that's cool. Life was meant to be awesome!"
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