To be young, is to be sad, is to be high...

I was talking to one of my friends who has had real tragedy in her life (I’m not talking “my boyfriend was cheating on me” shit, I’m talking death and depression and real suffering.) and she said that it is hard for her to listen to music or go to the movies because everything reminds her of her loss. So she only watches stuff like “White Chicks” and listens to albums like the new Le Tigre (which, ps, I wrote about for the shortlist of this week’s voice…Check it out!). I totally understand that sentiment but I don’t subscribe to it. When I’m feeling bad or bummed out or totally depressed, I gravitate to the saddest music and movies. It’s like I want to feel bad about something else. I noticed this the other day when I was making the big winter changeover in my room (since I moved into my new place in summer, I had yet to find and unpack any sweaters or jackets or scarves) and I put the TV on for background noise. Now, since it was a Saturday afternoon the pickings were slim so I settled on “Sweet November” on TNT thinking, “Hey! A schlocky Keanu Reeves movie! I won’t have to pay close attention to this while I’m cleaning.” Instead, I found myself immersed in this TERRIBLE film. I mean, the plot is unbelievable and I think they should take Charlize Theron’s Oscar away from her on the basis of her performance in it, but I cried so hard I made myself sick. (Note: this is in no way an endorsement of this piece of crap!) Now, I’d been feeling really shitty for a really long time and had been totally unable to cry about any of the things that were bothering me. But I could totally turn on the waterworks for poor, cancer-stricken Charlize. And it’s like my ipod knows this because it has been on a rampage of the saddest, most heartbreaking of the thousands of songs on its hard drive. It constantly returns to ballads by Bright Eyes and Death Cab and Rilo Kiley, totally bypassing the party music of OutKast or the experimental warbling of Bjork. I realize that I have not helped the situation by purchasing and subsequently becoming obsessed with the new Elliott Smith album, but it is my ipod that chooses to play his “Pretty (Ugly Before)" every morning on my way to work. It really is miraculous that I don’t just turn around and return home and climb into bed for the rest of the day. Especially last week when it was rainy and ugly every day. However, I think there is a sick part of me that enjoys hearing songs about misery and heartbreak. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I’m a wallower. And, unlike my friend, hearing cheery happy dance music doesn’t make me feel cheery or happy. (I almost puked when my ipod revolted and played “Deceptacon” on my way home from work the other day. And I love that song!) It just reminds me that I’m not. So at least listening to music that sounds like hearts breaking and unhappiness, sounds like the soundtrack to my everyday life and doesn’t make me wish I didn’t feel this way. I’m hoping it’s a fall thing. Maybe come winter I’ll be all acclimated to the chill in the air and I’ll be home listening to some of my favorite hibernating music like “Vespertine.”